Q & A with Jeffrey Zuckerman about
Unglued: A Bipolar Love Story
1. Why did you write a memoir focused on a spouse’s experience of loving someone with a mental illness?
None of the “how-to” books and memoirs I read captured the emotional, physical, psychological, and moral challenges we spouses face. Even Mark Lukach’s excellent memoir Help! My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward focused more on his lovely wife than on the author. My book is intended to help family members feel less alone and guilty, more in control of their own well-being, and more hopeful.
2. How did your wife feel about your writing about her mental illness?
Leah thought it was important for me to tell my story, reflecting her own strength and courage—and our love for each other. She also offered me dazzling feedback.
3. What were your biggest concerns about telling your story?
I didn’t want to further stigmatize Leah’s mental illness. Much of the action in the book is intense and raw, but I needed to keep it candid—and funny. Readers have told me that despite the grief, mistakes, and ambiguous loss I experienced, my affection for Leah and the depth of our love for each other were obvious.
4. What was most challenging about writing this book?
Leah’s manic highs and depressing lows were overwhelming to relive and write about. I had enough material for a 60,000-page book, and the events kept unfolding. In fact, I had to rewrite the ending twice as Leah’s mental health continued to change. I feared there would be no happy ending, because a mental illness never ends and it’s too rarely happy. I’m glad to say I’m now one of the luckiest guys I know.
5. What were some things you learned from your experience?
A family member can’t change or cure a loved one’s mental illness. Instead, you have to focus on self-care, setting boundaries, keeping a sense of humor, and diminishing the guilt and despair stemming from a loved one’s sickness. I learned how important it was to open up to friends, family, and my NAMI support groups. And I learned to never give up hope in both my own strength and Leah’s well-being.
6. What have been the hardest things for you during Leah’s illness?
To be clear, I would rather be me than Leah, and her suffering was heart-wrenching. Still, in terms of bipolar disorder, the “creative energy” experienced by someone who is manic can be unbearable for friends and family members. Conversely, depression is contagious, and I had to learn how not to suffocate in Leah’s melancholy.
7. What was your biggest surprise as you wrote it?
I don’t consider myself to be all that spiritual a person. But my religious traditions, faith, and community ended up playing a bigger role than I realized in helping me cope with Leah’s illness.
An Awkward but Sincere and Occasionally Charming Pair of Interviews with a Finalist for the
2021 Minnesota Book Award for
Memoir and Creative Nonfiction
Jeff, would you tell us one or two things about your finalist book that you are particularly proud of, and why?
My primary goals were to chronicle and affirm the mind-boggling challenges that family members and friends of those with a mental illness go through. I wanted the memoir to be candid, loving, funny, and hopeful—while not further stigmatizing mental illness. That was a delicate dance to create, and, with my wife’s blessing, I pulled it off. So many readers have told me that Unglued resonated for them unlike any other book for caregivers. I recently received a couple of nice fan emails from Europe, which was very cool.
Tell us something about yourself that is not widely known! [Exclamation point in original]
When I hitchhiked from Zurich to Madrid in the mid-1970s, I spilled a liter of milk all over the front seat of some guy’s sports car outside of Nice. I felt terrible, but I didn’t know any French, and so I said, “Entschuldigen Sie, bitte,” which isn’t the right way to apologize in German, and he didn’t understand my Spanish, Hebrew, or English. The guy dumped me off on the side of the road, and I had no idea where I was. It’s unlikely he’s reading this, but if you are, I’m still really sorry. Je suis navré. (Read the rest of the interview here.)
Wherein the author is interviewed along with his less-nervous book award co-finalists and is told he had a “great answer” to only one of the two questions, beginning at the 26:12 mark of this YouTube video.
Interview with Michelle Clark, aka the Bipolar Bandit
When did you decide to write the book and why?
I began to write the book about three years into my wife’s late-onset bipolar disorder. I was sitting on nearly four journals of notes and reactions to what I was experiencing, and hundreds of emails and text messages. That was a ton of primary documents to help me recall everything that had occurred and what I was thinking
How have you seen your book help other people?
I facilitate and attend three NAMI support group meetings each month for spouses and partners of those with a mental illness. The people in those groups represent who I hope the memoir will reach. Quite a few of them in my groups have read the book. They keep telling me several things: It affirms their own experience and makes them feel less alone, it assures them they’re not the sick ones in the relationship, and they appreciate Unglued has a hopeful ending. Also, readers have told me the book is funny, and I’m glad to give my readers a laugh in desperate times. Read the rest of the interview here.
For interview requests and invitations to speak, contact Jeffrey Zuckerman at jeff@jeffzuckerman.com.